it really does. ***warning lots of complaining ahead***
i want to try to have baby #2, but i need to have my iud removed first. No insurance means money up front and a longer wait for an appointment.
i am also fairly certain i suffer from some sort of depression. never been diagnosed since, again, i have no insurance. lately i have been very blase’ about finishing any knitting. i have casted on about a million projects, but having a 22 month old makes it hard to get good knitting in, specially when i often don’t have the right needle size, or space to knit in period. Living with my parents has it pluses (dad is a great cook, mom does the majority of the cleaning- honestly she doesn’t seem to mind, and the fact that we have totally different views on what is a ‘mess’, she usually feels compelled to clean up a lot sooner than i do) but it also has draw backs (because she feels compelled to clean, it is unthinkable that i have a constant space in which to knit/craft (because the yarn & paraphernalia is c-l-u-t-t-e-r!!!! and she doesn’t have any hobbies so doesn’t get that it SUCKS to have to shove everything away mid project because, to her, it’s cluttering the desk/table/shelf), or that i cannot keep crappy food out of the house). it also sucks that i don’t have a car of my own anymore, so i feel stuck, which is very difficult to deal with when i want to be far, far away from the house. did i mention that my mom can be VERY passive aggressive? and will never just be straight forward and ask when she wants help or listen to other opinions when she thinks she knows better (like potty training, or pretty much anything parenting).
I am also at a loss as to what to do with myself in the long term sense. i frequently get great ideas of things i could do from home, or in a small shop but i lack the knowledge of how to go about getting loans or starting up a business. not having reliable, constant transportation is a major setback here too. and as for knitting online communities (or parenting ones) i haven’t felt like participating. i really wish i could crawl into a craft room and hide away for weeks. i have to force myself to go to knit night once a week just to be with people i am not related to.
and back to the 2nd baby. DHs sister is pregnant (for the sixth time. 4 are in foster care, the 5th was aborted) and has told DH she’ll be aborting this one too. I am having so many issues with this from many different thoughts. First of all, she is using abortions as birth control. second, i told dh i would be more than happy to adopt the baby if she would let us. i truly think if she knew this, she wouldn’t have the abortion. but i know that dh won’t tell her, because i think it makes him uncomfortable, so for a week now i have been crying and feeling more depressed because all i can think about is this innocent baby being aborted because my DH feels uncomfortable talking to his sister about it. and it brings me back to the dreaded feeling that i won’t be able to get pregnant again because we can’t afford for me to see a endocrinologist specialist to get another prescription for parlodel so that my prolactin levels will lower enough for me to have a normal menstrual cycle. with out the parlodel, my levels are so high that my body won’t release an egg or stop lactating (when i was first diagnosed as having a pituitary tumor, we had insurance; my prolactin level was in the high 90’s. normal is between 3-22).
and i checked the WA state website for government assistance. because of living with my parents, we have to account for their income as well, so with just 5 of us living here, we are over qualified except for child health care assistance (which we would still have to pay part of, so not sure how helpful that really is *eyeroll*). and why don’t we have insurance? because my dhs boss decided a few years ago to commit insurance fraud and add his parents(they didn’t live with him, or work for him). the insurance company found out, canceled coverage, and no company will give him health insurance now. We are praying and crossing our fingers that dh is able to get a job with Boeing. at least then we’ll have some sort of insurance.
having no insurance sucks.